The Leader of The American Cave Dwellers has once again managed to establish electrical contact with the Elk dwelling Northmen from the multi-dimensional tornado of doom, dancing over the frozen thundra. The death of every cell membrane structure known to man, the virgin birth of a baby seal and nothing in between. A brain desolving baton pass of love that'll continue to echo between parallel universes for eternal time. But what do I know? I'm just a mailman, Brandon is the letter writer:
I'm always the last one to know the score. Man honestly sometimes I never find out. One time I almost got aids - never even knew it. Being modest is the new arrogant? Finger jewelry is the new chain wallet? I'm so obscure I don't even know who I am anymore. Who's the new Zack Gallafanackuss of the SKATEBOARD CROSS OVER SCENE? I feel old. For real. I think it's from all the drugs. I cant help myself. I just love drugs. They're the best. Normal life is awful. Have you looked at your normal ass life? Stop and smell the roses? Enjoy the simple things in life? Only if they're covered in drugs.What I can't understand is where all the money comes from? I mean, who's financing all these Knuckleheads? I've been a professional car builder phony for 10 years now? I'm 33? I went to work for Cole at ...23? yeah... 10 years. Professional? Haha yeah right. It's my profession? Lame. Anyway, I'm always broke. So I don't think theres any real money in this. I don't think there should be. But what we need to find out is how everybody else is making it look so good/easy/easyrider. For years I figured it was just clowns with trust funds or big insurance settlements or healthy residuals from embarrassing dog shit. But lately, thanks to the drugs, I've been inclined to think there's another big break through that once again I've been left out of... Living out in Richmond, you have to keep your wits about you. Know the beat down on that dirty street. Randomly I was buying some cheap groceries at the dollar store and I saw these 2 cultural fellas covered in diamonds and gold. I overheard them talking about a guy downtown with a machine that would turn garbage into gold! I mean ACTUAL GOLD! Well, these days I've been seriously thinking about unloading all this junk that I keep telling myself one day I'll have the time and money to do something with. I figured why not, I'll just bring ONE little trinket with me and see if this guy's on the level. Finding the location of this Modern Day Alchemist was easy enough, I just followed the folks downtown wearing the most gold.The next part of this story is going to seem pretty hard to believe but I promise, its all perfectly conceivable in these circumstances. And you people at home can interact with the story if you like. It's best that you take as many drugs as you can without dying from this point on.Dr. Phillip Good was apparently a brilliant rogue pharmacist in the later part of the 90's. However his practice was taken from him for reasons unrelated to this story. What's important is he has since developed a powerful ray using science and light waves to change photon phases and re-arrange molecular orientation by multiverse exchange student technology. Basically by manifesting the possibility of another reality, we manifest it in the multiverse, this ray will then cause a rift that will transport matter from this reality into the opposing reality. Dr Phillip basically has a version of himself waiting in the multiverse to exchange our garbage for gold, which is abundant in his coinciding dimension. Pretty simple concept really, so I gladly handed him my Springer.
The lights grew dim as the garbage matter was placed on the table. The ray pulled a lot of electricity. We had to keep from thinking heavy thoughts. The ray emitted a painfully bright flash, then fire burst from mid air, a portal had opened!You could smell the hair singed from Dr. Phillips beautiful beard. Another colossal flash, more powerful than the first we were dangerously close to being killed!!And then the lights returned. The Springer was gone. What sat on the pedestal was no pile of gold however.Dr. Phillip scratched his burning beard. Unsure of why the transdimensional portal had sent us back the African Santa. - Could it be that Santa is African in the Multiverse? Or maybe the gold had been depleated in the new dimension? Were Dr. Phillips mathematical figures slightly off? A small error in this dimension could equate to bizarro events in another. I WAS CERTAINLY GETTING SKEPTICAL.Then with a loud fwooosh!!! The head of African Santa shot flames! The portal had opened once again!
No!!!! Cried Dr. Phillip! The ray is still running and your skepticism has manifested yet another mal aligned form from the dimensional door! All is lost!Things had taken a turn. What was now crouched stealthily and gleaming in front of us was clearly no Santa. It's the 14 Karat Warrior from the 155th Dimension!! Screamed Dr. Phillip!I was mortified. My lack of faith had conjured a fierce being from a world that existed alongside our own. Possibly this deadly monster was created by my manifestations? Too late for introspection. I looked to Dr. Phillip for some kind of solution!
Our only chance is to summon another trans dimensionall dweller! Someone who can defeat this golden demon! The doctors shrieks of horror were interrupoted by another flash! The door had opened once again.There in front of the Majestic and muscular golden Warrior lay my springer fork! At least I thought it was my springer fork!!
Somehow through its travels through time and space it had changed. This new fork was much narrower, stronger, deadly even. With a look of courage in his eyes, the good Doctor grabbed the Springer!As Dr. Phillip placed his hands upon the shining and narrow Springer front end, he was transformed. I shall manifest my own destiny Cried the Doctor! I shall become the Samurai Barbarian of the NORTH!!! Determined to cast the 4k Warrior back to the 155th dimension, a grueling battled ensued.But the golden warrior was no match for the powerful blows thrown down by the Springer weilding BARBARIAN. The Golden Warrior, while very handsome and mysterious had lost, and fled back to dimension 155. With the villain vanquished the triumphant Barbarian morphed back into the doctor.I crawled out from under a pile of wreckage to find the doctor holding the Springer. It was left behind. Or maybe it was your destiny all along to manifest this new Springer young man, said the Doctor. When the 14 karat Warriors of the multiverse threaten us, we can call on our strengths and send them back to where they belong!The most valuable weapon in the transdimensional struggle isn't gold at all!The alchemy is inside you!